I have accepted it since I first saw the "bad" people living well.

Life is not a legal document that passes supreme court muster.  Life is a random series of events caused by billions of people egged on by their environment.  As such, trying to program the throughts and actions of billions of people is beyond any attempt man can possibly muster to make things "fair".  So you either accept it, or get bull dozed by life moving on without you.

I know the feeling. While this is not toatlly true, sometimes life seems to work backwards from what you just described. Things should be a certain way but that's not how it works. I accepted this a long time ago; I know that not all my good actions will result in good reactions. But I have, somewhat, learned to accept that as long at I did my part I am somewhat happy about that. One thing I refuse to do is to do wrong just to get the things I want. I rather work 3 times as hard because in the end I can say I worked for it, I earned it, even if it took longer and took more work.

It's a lot easier to accept when you stop thinking about all the good things you deserve, and in a fair world would have, and start focusing on all the bad things you deserve.

For instance, have you ever drank one too many and drove?  In a fair world then, you should be in jail, or labeled a DUI offender.

Have you ever said something or done something you regretted?  In a fair world then, you should suffer the consequences without a chance of forgiveness.

See the pattern?  If getting what you deserve works for all the good times/things, then the same would go for the bad times/times when you screw up.

I don't know about you, but I am GLAD I have not gotten what I "deserved" at various times in my life.

Does it suck hard core that your hard work isn't being recognized?

Yes, and I am sorry to hear it.  But don't stop doing the right thing because no one is taking the time to stroke you.  Do it because its the right thing, and like Charles said, at the end of the day you know at the very least you did the best/right thing.  Do it for you, for your peace of mind.

I do believe in the big scheme of life people get what they put out.  So if your skanky roomy is getting guys she doesn't deserve, she won't be able to keep them in the long run will she?  And if she does, maybe your definition of skank and a man's definition are not the same.  Heh.

Personally I am glad there is grace and I didn't always get what I deserve.  I wouldn't have lived past 10 years old if I did.

You're going to be a great Dr.  You don't need the accolades of others to make it so.

Thank you all for reading & writing. I always appreciate the comments more than people know because this is often one of my only outlets!

Dr Guy: you're right. I have often been frustrated by how life can go on when things seem so unbalanced in life. And then when I finally regain a balance, I can see things in a greater limelight and learn to accept it a bit more each time the questions arise.

Charles: good point. I think that is what has kept me going and clinging to doing good things because I tried the "crazy" route and I never felt good the next morning. It will forever be better to wake up having full appreciation/approval of yourself than have notice from anyone else.

Tova: that was beautifully said. And I love the point your making. I somehow overlooked this realization and needed it to be said. You're right in that there are many times when I'm sure I have done something and not gotten what I deserved (thankfully). However, I do think that there is a difference between linear deserving of something in terms of drink and drive = straight jail vs. drink wayyyy too much and end up losing your wallet. Everytime something happened that really drove me to be frustrated and angry (ex. my purse got stolen), I used to evaluate myself to think about what I had done recently that could have happened for me to "deserve this" and teach me a lesson. Oftentimes, I could easily place it. It wasn't an obvious if you do this, that will happen. But it was more like I feel like my purse might have gotten stolen because I was such an idiot this weekend. When I did more dumb things, I definitely had more bad things happen, but there were also times when things just happened and I couldn't think of anything that really warranted it. So I never really figured out if there was a correlation. Either way, I hear what you're saying and appreciate it because it does make sense. I also agree that I sometimes look too much in the short term for that acknowledgment that life works in exactly this fashion, but at heart, I think I will always believe that in the end, life works out...? (Hopefully, fingers crossed).

Btw, for anyone to answer this: I had once read a quote that didn't resonate with me. Whenever a quote doesn't resonate with me, I keep it in the back of my mind because I have found that over time, often the quote will make sense of something that I'm trying to figure out. This one never did. Please tell me if you have an interpretation:

"Wouldn't it suck if we all got what we actually deserved?"

Tova has your back.

Having been there & done that, I can tell you that the final months of medical school can be very 'decompressing' for lack of a better word.  I can also tell you that caring for patients is its own reward.  You'll be fine.