Just trying to get the most out of life by figuring it out
Yes, that's sarcasm
Published on July 2, 2007 By So Many Questions In Personal Relationships
I rock. I'm awesome.
You rock. You're awesome.
He and she also rock. Well mostly.

You and I can reason it out. It's logical. Make a list of 15 things that you love about yourself. Easy.
#1: I rock.
It seems so obvious that we're awesome. That I'm awesome.

So then where does the self-consciousness come from?
Literally, it doesn't make sense. There's a short circuit somewhere that sneaks past the obvious logic. No really. If you asked me to explain why I don't rock, there's not much I would say. I don't mean this in a cocky way. I'm being realistic. Sure, I'm not a terribly funny person, but I have a good sense of humor. My biggest faults would be that I'm sometimes overly analytical, that I feel like I screw everything up in my life and I absolutely abhor the fact that I'm afraid of life when I have such a strong love for life. What's worst than hating life? Exactly that, having an incredible love for life but a misplaced fear of life. My heart is so carpe diem but my mind is so shy.

Problem here: I don't know what to do. I can't stand living like this anymore. I'm mostly such an outgoing person and a lover of fun. I hate becoming shy & uncomfortable around people suddenly as soon as I drop the balls I like to pretend I carry around with me all the time. I don't even know where it comes from. I'm ready to change it and I have been so for years. How do you change something when you don't know where it comes from? It's like seeing a balloon deflate but not being able to find a hole. Can't fix the problem til you know where it's at, right?

Ok, maybe that's a bit of a stretch. I do know where it comes from kinda. Yeah, yeah, Freud was on to something...childhood sure can F you up. There's no time travel though so I gotta suck it up and deal with the future. Some would even say that it wasn't that terrible but it sure did take its toll on me. I have been trying though for quite a while. Sure, I've come a long way. Little by little, I've been able to muster up courage to believe more good things about myself. But in the end, something tugs inside me and manifests itself in a very hidden manner. The only thing I've been able to come up with is either a sense of worthlessness or unlovableness. See...logically, I can swear that there's no way I believe that stuff about myself. No way whatsoever... I think.
Something is up that doesn't present itself clearly to me. Hence, the problems with being able to fix it. I have no idea how to get past this. It's like playing a Nintendo game and being able to get past all the bad guys at the end of the stage but never being able to beat the leader at the end of the game and then before you know it, you're thrusted back to the beginning to try all over again. Uh, frustrating!
We're stuck. Shit, this ain't a cry for help. It's a shout for freedom from (sorry for the cliche) invisible chain links that really do feel like they weigh you down. Shoot. Tell me what to do. You gotta have a trick up your sleeve cuz I'm just stuck. but I wanna rock.

on Jul 27, 2007
if it helps, I think you rock. I just combed over dozens of blogs to find something of substance and lets just say.... YOU'RE AWESOME!! lol Nice to meet you. I'm Trinitie. Been blogg'n here for years. Trinitie