Just trying to get the most out of life by figuring it out
Published on November 13, 2006 By So Many Questions In Blogging
So the first few months at this new place were going well. I was pretty cheery, I had a lot of friends, I was starting to feel attractive, school was going well...for the most part things here were pretty settled. I thought to myself that finally, things were going to be good. And then it suddenly started to hit again. I don't know what it is. I am starting to feel sad again randomly. It's almost like a Catch 22. I get sad, not sure if it's for a reason or if I just start to get sad (because of seasonal affective disorder maybe? who knows). Therefore, I get sad so I get less fun and less attractive and less enthusiastic/charming. Therefore, my friends start to treat me differently and how I've been feeling lately, don't want to be around as much. So I get sadder. And so I become less charming. And it continues this way. Regardless of which comes first, the chicken or the egg, point is that I can't continue on this way. I'm trying to analyze myself about things I should consider changing or things I might be doing wrong that I was doing right, but it doesn't seem to make things better.

Issues that are really bothering me that I know shouldn't but completely do:
- I really feel like my friends don't listen to me. Like I'm the insignificant one. They'll listen when other people have a story, but when it's my story, they act like it must not be important or exciting so they kind of ignore it sometimes. Especially certain people. And it feels like other ones are starting to follow suit. Part of me is starting to think that maybe I don't place enough emphasis in showing how important this story or anything I say is, but I don't really know how to make things seem like hey this is important because I'm saying it, listen up.
- I'm starting to feel less and less attractive. When we used to go out, I often got hit on. Now, I feel like all of my friends are getting dates and I'm the one that comes home with nothing. I'm sure part of it is something that I am not portraying lately, but still, it is bothersome to hear everyone else tell their stories, but sit around and just listen.
- I can't help but realize that everyone is just too selfish to even notice or realize that something is really bothering me. They seem to ignore it and just keep focusing on their own fun, even when it's apparent.
- Although these things are bothering me, oftentimes I just find myself randomly getting sad and I don't know what to blame it on. That's kinda weird.
- The fact that my self-esteem can never stay up enough.
- The fact that I get super jealous of other girls, (I never used to!) especially when they are talking to the guy I kind of have/had a thing with or getting a lot of attention from other people.

I really, really need to get out of this funk before it hits too hard, and I don't really know how to.

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