The weird thing is that the thing that's most been keeping me out of a deep funk for the past few months is the memory of it back in February. It was the only time I've ever allowed myself to ask for help from friends or to even let them know I was going through something quite crappy. That's when I quickly learned that even those who are your closest friends can't be there for you in the way you need them to. It finally hit me one day so hard that I honestly thought my life was done forever. People would say take it one day at a time, but I really didn't even know how to get through the next minute let alone the next day! Something was soffucating my soul and I wasn't just drowning; I had already hit further down than rock bottom with an enormous weight still pulling me under. It was by far the worst memory I can ever fathom. The best part is that if you ran into me on the street, you would think I was one content camper. I have no idea how I got out of it, but somehow, I came up for air.
Ever since then, I ridiculously fear getting into a slump. I've been feeling kinda down lately, though. Mostly because I suck at saying goodbye, and everyone is leaving and it makes me wonder if I'll ever see some of these people again and if they even care like I do. I'm dreading that I haven't lived the last four years of college like I'd hoped, and now they're over. That loneliness thing is hitting again, but it's weird that something about it is kinda different for once.
Anger comes first but I tend to take anything that makes me angry and convert it to sadness so that I start blaming myself. It started out that way again, but for the first time in my life I realized what am I doing? So what if I got no one else...I GOT ME. And I'm pretty damn awesome. I'm not trying to be optimistic here, and you religious people may not like what i have to say next, but I've got issues with friends, guy problems, family, change, career, life...even myself. I asked God to help me with some of this stuff. Some really specific things that really wouldn't have taken much on His part, I thought. I also started becoming pretty spiritual for a while, and I asked for guidance through meditation and a variety of other things. I've always realized that one of my flaws is also one of my strengths in that I care too much about people. I'm trying to stop caring. Everything in my life just feels really chaotic and unsettled and I just needed some well...settling. Nothing came. In fact, it seemed I was being more and more abandoned and starting to completely lose faith in hope. So what do you do when you give up on God, fate, luck, hope, friends, guys, family, love...life? You turn to the one thing in the world that you've ever known...yourself. I got me. That's all I'll ever have. It'll take time, but maybe one day I'll learn that's all I really need. Hopefully, this feeling lasts. Oh wait, I gave up on hope. Ha.