Just trying to get the most out of life by figuring it out
I might be depressed. There, I said it. I've been avoiding this label since as far back as I can remember, but I know it's inevitable I'll finally have to admit it. And I want to change. So I need your help.
It's not a severe case, but it sure as hell isn't necessary. Actually, the truth is I am absolutely terrified of allowing myself to be depressed. I went through the absolute worst month of my life, and especially the worst day of my life in which I truly didn't understand HOW I would live through the next hour! I never want to go through that again and I don't wish it on my worst enemy. That's why I finally stopped trying to deal with it just on my own. Thing is I know where my depression stems from, I can pinpoint the exact attributes I would like to gain and what I want to change about myself so I can be happy...problem is I have not a clue about how to do it.

I had childhood depression. Irony is the fact that I come from a very loving and caring family. I appreciate my parents incredulously. It just so happens that my family all have so many problems of their own and are so self-absorbed in it that they can't see me. I grew up in a household in which I felt like more of a family counselor than the youngest daughter at the age of 6. I used to tiptoe around the house in fear of a fight breaking out. The amount of physical and emotional abuse I received from my brother, I don't know if I will ever be able to console. Yada yada yada, I felt kind of neglected and had a great deal of negative characteristics constantly thrown at me.

This manifested itself in my growing up with no self-worth. Somehow, I managed to try terribly hard and gain confidence each step of the way, and I am honestly proud of myself for how far I've come. However, I look at other people and wonder why I can't be happy or confident like they are.

I have constantly come to recognize that people have no appreciation for me. It's not in my head, trust me. Sure, I get it. You need to see yourself as being worthy before other people can. Easier said than done. I portray great confidence upon first impressions or for people who don't interact with me on a daily basis. Somehow, when I get fairly comfortable with people and don't know how to put up this fake happy-go-lucky girl-next-door impression anymore, people start to sense my lack of confidence and stop caring. I recognize this and start feeling more anxious around them. They notice this and stop caring to talk to me even more. It’s just a continuous depressive cycle! I have lost so many friends over the years that I almost want to stop trying...although I won't because I've experienced being alone and it is the worst feeling on earth!

I am an attractive person. I am smart, cute, good-hearted and friendly. I am easy-going, a good listener and have a wide variety of interests. Yet, I always feel like I am lacking something. I can get guys attracted to me fairly easily. Granted this is a recent phenomenon I have discovered (present yourself as confident and interesting, and guys will come running). However, I can't seem to keep them there. I have never been in a long-term relationship over a couple of months. Once I start liking the guy enough, I start to question myself subconsciously. I try to hide it but some pheromones must be sent out in some hidden way. Everytime I start a new school or meet new people or whatever, all my single friends start dating within the first few weeks as I do. Difference: they seem to stay in the relationship whereas something happens so mine is quite short-lived and I end up with an attached and broken heart. I know it has something to do with my lack of true confidence, but I am sick of feeling alone.

I refuse to take anti-depressants. I don't want to go to a pyschiatrist. I'm not ready and I think I'm convinced they will only tell me things I already recognize. I tried one once and it was a disaster. Plus I don’t want bills to be sent saying I went to a psychiatrist. I don't want my family to know I feel this way. I have tried talking to friends and frankly, nobody seems to have the time to understand what I'm going through. Also, I have this issue where I've taught myself over the years to not show my feelings and always look happy. Even when I'm really angry about something and I'm dying inside, I can only manage to share the experience with others through giggles and laughter. I know this is unhealthy but I can't seem to snap out of it. The few times I've tried talking to my friends about my "depression," I think they heard my laughter and figured it was no big deal.

I'm stuck. I know there is no reason to feel this way all the time, but I don't know what else to do. My whole body hurts like hell, I’m always exhausted, have a really hard time focusing and I used to have extreme amounts of ambition, and although I still am motivated, it’s not nearly as much as before. I’m in med school, so honestly, I really don’t have time for all this. I really need some help that’s not “go talk to someone” or “see a doctor.” I know I won’t listen. I really need your help/past experiences.

Comments
on Mar 29, 2007
I refuse to take anti-depressants. I don't want to go to a pyschiatrist.


So you'd refuse to seek medical attention if you were having a heart attack too?

Any serious illness requires medical attention. Get off your ass, stop making excuses, and see a damn doctor.
on Mar 30, 2007
I really need some help that’s not “go talk to someone” or “see a doctor.” I know I won’t listen.


Everybody has a doctor. In your case, right now, it's yourself.
Not a good choice. Never was for me.
That's my experience. Get some real help. This is not enough.

on Mar 30, 2007
I have to echo Dr. Don and Mason.  It is good and noble to take care of oneself.  But when the problems are beyond us, we need help, whether friends, or professional.  Man is a societal animal for a reason.  Alone, we can not do everything.  Together - we can.
on Mar 30, 2007
I just wrote an article before I read this about how taking anti-depressants scares me. So I understand where you are coming from but I'm giving the medicine a shot anyway. You need to look at this as a medical issue not a personal failing. Mason, is right if you had high blood pressure or cancer, would you be embarrassed to get a bill from the doctors that treated that. I do think some of the stigma has faded. Depression is not an uncommon thing.

I do think you should go to the doctor but some suggestions that might help you without medication - journaling, group activities, exercise, caring for a pet.

I hope you feel better soon. I hope you go to the doctor. Let me tell you that I avoided going to the doctor and ended up doing self harm and that it is even more embarassing have to answer the questions about "why did you do this" "have you done it before" "are you planning on doing this again" Believe me you don't want to end up there.
on Mar 30, 2007

Great advice above.

The only thing I'd add is..go to a regular Dr first and get some blood work done.

I was going through something a while back and thought I was losing my marbles.  Come to find out my thyroid just up and quit working.  Because my brain was not getting what it needed I was a total Beatch.  The first Doc wrote a scrip for anti-depressants...did those for a little while and then flushed them because I wasn't getting any better..

Second Doc did blood work, BAM, things turned around that fast.

All that to say, this may be something else...something physical.  Rule that out first.

on Mar 30, 2007
All that to say, this may be something else...something physical.


Actually true clinical depression is something physical, just as much as high blood pressure or cancer. It's often caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain which can be corrected with medication. But you're correct in saying that the imbalance could be caused by other chemical problems including diabetes or thyroid as in your case.
on Mar 30, 2007
ditto to everything everyone's said above. I hope that you'll see a doctor. If you really want to your regular doctor could give you the script then no one would have to know. But and it's a BIG BUT, they aren't the best. It would be better to go to a psychiatrist, but if you aren't willing to this would be better than nothing.

Also, you can usually get a PO box at the local post office and have your bills sent there. I've done this before for privacy reason. It'll cost something like $40 for an entire year.

I hope you're feeling better soon.
on Mar 30, 2007
If you're depressed, you might want to have a look at a book on self-administered cognitive behavioural therapy like "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns, but as has been said above, diagnosis is key.

Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypothyroidism, infectious mononucleosis, anemia, dysthymia, depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, sleep apnea, diabetes, hypokalemia...there are just too many possibilities that might account for some or all of your symptoms. Get diagnosed. How do you find a doctor you can trust? Take the positive risk. Ask for help.
on Mar 30, 2007

If you're depressed, you might want to have a look at a book on self-administered cognitive behavioural therapy like "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns, but as has been said above, diagnosis is key.

Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, hypothyroidism, infectious mononucleosis, anemia, dysthymia, depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, sleep apnea, diabetes, hypokalemia...there are just too many possibilities that might account for some or all of your symptoms. Get diagnosed. How do you find a doctor you can trust? Take the positive risk. Ask for help.


Well said, and from a professional no less.