I might be depressed. There, I said it. I've been avoiding this label since as far back as I can remember, but I know it's inevitable I'll finally have to admit it. And I want to change. So I need your help.
It's not a severe case, but it sure as hell isn't necessary. Actually, the truth is I am absolutely terrified of allowing myself to be depressed. I went through the absolute worst month of my life, and especially the worst day of my life in which I truly didn't understand HOW I would live through the next hour! I never want to go through that again and I don't wish it on my worst enemy. That's why I finally stopped trying to deal with it just on my own. Thing is I know where my depression stems from, I can pinpoint the exact attributes I would like to gain and what I want to change about myself so I can be happy...problem is I have not a clue about how to do it.
I had childhood depression. Irony is the fact that I come from a very loving and caring family. I appreciate my parents incredulously. It just so happens that my family all have so many problems of their own and are so self-absorbed in it that they can't see me. I grew up in a household in which I felt like more of a family counselor than the youngest daughter at the age of 6. I used to tiptoe around the house in fear of a fight breaking out. The amount of physical and emotional abuse I received from my brother, I don't know if I will ever be able to console. Yada yada yada, I felt kind of neglected and had a great deal of negative characteristics constantly thrown at me.
This manifested itself in my growing up with no self-worth. Somehow, I managed to try terribly hard and gain confidence each step of the way, and I am honestly proud of myself for how far I've come. However, I look at other people and wonder why I can't be happy or confident like they are.
I have constantly come to recognize that people have no appreciation for me. It's not in my head, trust me. Sure, I get it. You need to see yourself as being worthy before other people can. Easier said than done. I portray great confidence upon first impressions or for people who don't interact with me on a daily basis. Somehow, when I get fairly comfortable with people and don't know how to put up this fake happy-go-lucky girl-next-door impression anymore, people start to sense my lack of confidence and stop caring. I recognize this and start feeling more anxious around them. They notice this and stop caring to talk to me even more. It’s just a continuous depressive cycle! I have lost so many friends over the years that I almost want to stop trying...although I won't because I've experienced being alone and it is the worst feeling on earth!
I am an attractive person. I am smart, cute, good-hearted and friendly. I am easy-going, a good listener and have a wide variety of interests. Yet, I always feel like I am lacking something. I can get guys attracted to me fairly easily. Granted this is a recent phenomenon I have discovered (present yourself as confident and interesting, and guys will come running). However, I can't seem to keep them there. I have never been in a long-term relationship over a couple of months. Once I start liking the guy enough, I start to question myself subconsciously. I try to hide it but some pheromones must be sent out in some hidden way. Everytime I start a new school or meet new people or whatever, all my single friends start dating within the first few weeks as I do. Difference: they seem to stay in the relationship whereas something happens so mine is quite short-lived and I end up with an attached and broken heart. I know it has something to do with my lack of true confidence, but I am sick of feeling alone.
I refuse to take anti-depressants. I don't want to go to a pyschiatrist. I'm not ready and I think I'm convinced they will only tell me things I already recognize. I tried one once and it was a disaster. Plus I don’t want bills to be sent saying I went to a psychiatrist. I don't want my family to know I feel this way. I have tried talking to friends and frankly, nobody seems to have the time to understand what I'm going through. Also, I have this issue where I've taught myself over the years to not show my feelings and always look happy. Even when I'm really angry about something and I'm dying inside, I can only manage to share the experience with others through giggles and laughter. I know this is unhealthy but I can't seem to snap out of it. The few times I've tried talking to my friends about my "depression," I think they heard my laughter and figured it was no big deal.
I'm stuck. I know there is no reason to feel this way all the time, but I don't know what else to do. My whole body hurts like hell, I’m always exhausted, have a really hard time focusing and I used to have extreme amounts of ambition, and although I still am motivated, it’s not nearly as much as before. I’m in med school, so honestly, I really don’t have time for all this. I really need some help that’s not “go talk to someone” or “see a doctor.” I know I won’t listen. I really need your help/past experiences.